Marxist Moments

You Couldn’t Make It up

          Lucifer Satan has decided to seek a return to full-time religion after a number of decades in retirement building up his portfolio.

          Mr Satan, who spoke to your reporter Jack Blanchard at his extensive centrally-heated basement in Belgravia, London SW 1, said ‘With the revival of war, famine, pestilence and environmental catastrophe in recent years it seems only right for me to re-assume some sort of co-ordinating role. I was always regarded as a pretty straightforward kind of guy, after all, unremitting over years, centuries actually, in finessing the onward march of evil.’

          In Mr Satan’s view evil has taken a back seat and needs to reclaim ‘the centre ground’ in the shaping of events. Once regarded as all-powerful, ‘Old Nick’, as he is still affectionately called by members of the secretive 666 Club, refused to be drawn out on specific strategies and tactics. ‘One doesn’t want to show one’s hand too early in this game, but I still have scads of believers in the States, for one thing,’ he said, and he hoped ‘the so-called 1%’ would in time rally to his leadership more openly. Mr Satan faces a phalanx of big rivals on the world political scene, however. ‘I’ve always been a formidable double-crossing tempter but the field’s a bit overcrowded these days.’ He also admitted that there would be considerable popular resistance to his new bid for a public role once more.

          Fear may prove to be his strongest suit: ‘You don’t have to be popular to scare the hell out of people,’ Mr Satan said, ‘and I was always good at that. People like being scared and I’m certainly the one to put the wind up.’ It’s fear that makes the world go round – as he said recently in an expensive (‘expansive’? – ED) speech to the Brimstone circle thinktank – but today’s leaders aren’t up to the challenge because they lack the courage of their non-convictions: ‘We must never forget that evil forever triumphs in an atmosphere of constant and totally unreasoning fear, so something along these lines will form my plan of attack. Be steadfast, Brimstoners! Always remember that a week is a long time in global mastery. I should know, I’ve been at it ten thousand years! And’ (with a wink and cheeky whisk of his tail) ’I’m still comparatively young, really.’